My Mortal
by David Noklevername
Summary: I have recently started reading My Immortal. Instead of writing my thoughts on it with my own blood on the wall, I've decided to write it down in parody format. This is the story of the generic goth, Ebony Dark'ness Raven Way. She's also a vampire for some reason.
1. A Whole Lot of Nothing Occurs

Hello, my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. My parents were a hippie and a goth chick, before you ask. I have long ebony black hair. Somehow, I was named after this even though I didn't HAVE hair when I was named. Hippies, right? I have blue eyes like... Limpid tears? I don't even know what that means. I also happen to look like some chick I've never heard of. Did I mention I'm a vampire? No? Good, because that's ridiculous.

I'm a seventh year, and walking goth stereotype. I love Hot Topic, and I get all my clothes from there. I have a lot of GIR shirts, before you ask. I was wearing a black corset an-

You know what? Do you even care? Just imagine a stereotypical goth. I was walking in the snow, and a lot of people were staring at me. Maybe because I'm literally the only person wearing something that isn't the uniform. I take the reasonable choice of action and middle finger everyone.

"Hey, Ebony!" A boy, obviously wearing leather pants, shouted. I looked up, and it was... Draco mother censorin' Malfoy!

"What's up, Draco?" I asked him. Hopefully this starts a meaningful conversation explaining how he is suddenly not a douche.

"Nothing." He replied, shyly. This conversation is so exciting, I have to leave now, before I risk starting an intellectual conversation.

I hear my generic goth friends and leave, completely ditching Draco. By the way, you think I'm amazing. 


	2. Raven's Appearance (1 of a Whole 2)

The day after that exciting conversation, I woke up in my bedroom. Though, where else would I wake up? Seriously, this writing is genius. It's snowing and raining again. This seems to happen a lot, for some odd reason. I opened the door to my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle. I'm a vampire. Sorry, this is my only personality trait so far, and I need to take note of it constantly. I put on my clothes, in excrutiating detail.

My friend and room mate, Willow, woke up and grinned at me. She gets dressed, of which I feel the need to describe. Yay filler.

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy last night!" She squealed, excitedly.

"Yeah, so? Am I not allowed to talk to people?" I answered, blushing for some reason. Isn't this how Harry and Draco yaoi starts?

"Do you like Draco?" She asked as we strolled out of the Slytherin Common Room and into the Great Hall. For some reason, we didn't finish our conversation for a ten minute walk.

"NO I DON'T!" I shouted in anger. Suddenly, a WILD DRACO appeared.

"Hi." He said to me. Another interesting conversation.

"Hi." I replied, in my usual witty fashion.

"Guess what." He said to me. I'm sure an amazingly well thought out plot twist is about to come.

"Well, Subpar Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade," Never mind about that plot twist thing.

"Awesome." I reply, sarcastically-

Wait, I'm actually supposed to like these guys? They have subpar in their freaking NAME!

"Well, do you want to go with me?" Draco asked me.

I gasped. This was so creative. Was Stephanie Meyers writing this crap?

Suddenly, Willow came up to me.

"Hey, Ebony," She said to me, "I'm off to go read some TV Tropes. Hopefully I won't get killed off next time I see you."

She then ran off onto the bus of forgotten side characters. 


	3. The Concert of Blandness

On the night of the concert I put on my high heels and my black lace-up boots and oh my god do you really have to describe how I dress every chapter even though it's exactly the same?

I went outside. Exciting, right? Draco, for some reason, is standing out there with a flying car. I pray to god that we don't get Back to the Future into this mess.

"Hi Draco." I said in a depressed voice. For some reason, I hate everything, except myself. I'm sexy and amazing.

"Hi Ebony!" He replied. We both got in his car, which license plate says '999'. Draco seems to be interested in obscure light novel videogames.

When we got to the concert, we both hopped out of the Delorean- I mean, the Mercedes that flies for some reason and hop up and down like bloody idiots while listening to a needlessly emo song.

"Joel is so freakin' emo!" I tell Draco.

Suddenly, a wild DEPRESSED DRACO appeared.

"What's wrong?" I asked him, "I mean, what are you needlessly depressed about now?" Then I caught on.

"Hey, it's OK baby Draco. Joel isn't as emo as you..."

"Really?"

"Really."

We both had a really nice time. I mean, it would've been, if we weren't emo about everything. We got into the Delorean I MEAN THE MERCEDES and drive into... The Forbidden Forest!

... Wow, what teenager wouldn't go in here with a kickass name like that? 


	4. Dumbleedore's Headache

"DRACO!" I shouted, "What the censor do you think you're doing?!"

Draco didn't answer, and I saw he was driving. Sorry, my memory doesn't reach past a chapter very well.

Suddenly, he stopped driving and got out of the car that's flying for some reason.

"What the hell?!" I asked angrily. Then, I realized he already left the car.

"Ebony?" He asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Draco leaned EXTRA SUPER-DUPER close to me. His eyes looked all depressed-like, like you, trying to understand that someone actually wrote this crap, and I forgave him for... Whatever it is that he did to give me this random mood swing.

Then, Draco kissed me. Then he put his thingie in my you-know-what and... And... You know what, we said f*ck five times this chapter, I think we can say 'dick' and 'vagina'! You know what, screw it, suddenly, a WILD DUMBLEEDORE APPEARED!

"WHAT THE CENSOR ARE YOU DOING?! THIS IS A FAMILY SERIES!" 


	5. Snape VS McGonagall

AN: If you flames, that means you're a prep or a poser- Okay, I'm sorry, but in all good sense, I cannot say this author's note, no matter how much you pay me, Tara. Alright, let's start the story, before I get the cap off of these damned pills.

Dumbledore made Draco and I follow him into Hogwarts.

"Now, why would you do that?! You aren't even eighteen, children!" He told us.

I... Cried tears of blood?! Do vampires even do that?! I mean, outside of your horrid Twilight fan fiction?! Whatever. Anywhoo, Dumbledore took us to Professor McGonagall and Severus Snape.

"Unfortunately, these children were having intercourse in the Forbidden Forest..." Dumbledore told the professors.

"How dare you?!" Snape scolded.

"Why did you do that?! Ten points off Slytherin!" Complained McGonagall.

"I DID IT BECAUSE I'M A FREAKIN' HORNY TEEN- I MEAN BECAUSE I LOVE HER!" Draco shrieked, in a fashion similar to a pre-pubescent child.

Everyone was quiet until Snape ended the silence with, "... You know the point system is my thing, McGonagall."

"Must we argue on the subject?!" Asked McGonagall, "Kids, go up to your rooms. Shit is about to get real in here..." Both McGonagall and Snape took out their wands, as did Dumbledore, seconds later. Draco and I left to Slytherin House.

"Are you okay, Mary Sue- I mean, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.

"Yeah, I guess." I answered. I left to the bathroom, to perform an overly long description of my haircut.

When I left the bathroom, I saw Draco standing infront of the door. After we both realize how odd that is, he reluctantly leaves, and I stay, waiting for the next beautifully written chapter of this amazing saga.

... Okay, I said it Tara. You owe me my fifty pounds. I feel dirty now... 


	6. Vampire Potter and Tara's Sue

CN: Hey, prepz! The author told me that she won't update until everyone in the world is nice to her. She got me to tell you this because she can't spell for all the razors in the world. So, yeah. That.

The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on clothes. Exciting, right? I spray paint my hair purple. I then start feeling dizzy, and pass out.

I wake up on dawn of the sixth chapter, thirty eight chapters remaining. I doubt the author got enough 'goood revows' to get that far, but whatever. My hair looks damn Sue-y.

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula, only with blood instead if milk, with a glass of blood on the side. Part of a complete emo breakfast! Suddenly, somebody bumped into me, and all the blood spilled over my top. I'm so angry, I'm not going to give a long-winded description of my now blood soaked Hot Topic top!

"You bastard!" I shouted, "HOW DARE YOU ACCIDENTLY BUMP INTO ME!" I regretted what I said immediately, because when I looked up, I saw the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much guy-liner that it was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have glasses anymore, he was wearing red contacts like Draco did in that Halloween costume I constantly reference. He had no scar. He had manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy Cockney accent. He looked exactly like a Gary Stu. He was so sexy I went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection. I may or may not have a penis- I MEAN A YOU-KNOW WHO! I mean, I'm a vampire. Any horrid plot twist can happen.

And then I saw Harry Potter next to that guy!

"I'm sorry." He said awkwardly.

"Oh, it's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.

"My name is Harry Potter, though most people call me Vampire." He told me.

"Why?" I exclaimed. Yelling is fun.

"Because I love the taste of human blood." He said. He then giggled slightly.

"Really?" I asked, "Cause I'm a vamp-"

The Gary Stu next to him burst out laughing, then smacked Harry's arm, "HAHAHAHA! Nice one Harry! That was so believable! Hermione owes us five pounds!"

Harry started laughing too, "Thanks, Ron! You better go talk to that 'Tahirah' girl in Slytherin before that bloody make-up comes off!"

Harry sat next to me, "So, you were saying?" He asked me.

"Oh, it's that- HOLY CRAP IT'S DRACO!" I yelled as I totally ditched my new love interest, Vampire. 


	7. The Taffy Plan

CN: Hey, everybody! Tara is only writing this because she got five good reviews. But she won't be writing another chapter until she get's TIN good reviews! Tin Man, have the heart not to give her good reviews and end this for everyone! STOP FLAMING OR SHE WILL CONTINUE MAKING ME BITCH ABOUT IT!

CN (Continued because paragraphs bitch): I'm kind of a Mary Sue. But I'm depressed for literally no reason and I'm a Satanist apparently so it makes it okay!

I went up into Draco's room, most likely for a poorly written sex scene (A must-have for poor fan fiction). Guess what is about to happen?

Draco locked the door. I don't see why he has to do it, because everyone here is polite enough to knock, but whatever.

We sat on his bed. He went into the bedside drawer and pulled out... Some taffy!

"... What the hell?" I asked.

"I stole it from Dumbldore!" Draco laughed, "He'll be completely puzzled looking for his precious taffy, but we will be in here eating several pieces, and then we will put it back, but without half of it! He'll have to go back to the Muggle world just to get some more taffy! It will be hilarious!"

I laughed. That is the perfect plan! But wait, I saw a 'Vampire' tattoo on his arm! GASP-TACULAR!

"Draco, you prep! I'm the only one who's allowed to cheat on you with Vampire!" I yelled.

"Who's 'Vampire'?! What do you mean you're cheating on me?! Why do you think I'm cheating on you?!" Draco asked, worriedly.

"'Vampire' is your boyfriend! I'm allowed to date anyone I want because I'm perfect! The comments said so and everything! And you have a 'Vampire' tattoo on your arm!"

"... What?! This tattoo says 'Valerie', the name of my favorite Quidditch team! Did you even actually read it?! Whatever, I love you anyway.

"No, you don't!" I yelled at him, not listening to what he just said, "You probably have Wizard AIDS anyway!"

"... What are 'Wizard AIDS'?!"

I stormed out. He ran after me, pleading for me to take him back. Me taking him back is as likely as me being a Mary Sue!

... Wait, that's not right... 


	8. Screw Logic, I'm a Sue!

**I'm so sorry for the delay! I've been having some pretty big Writer's Block lately, so I haven't really gotten around to writing another chapter. _My Immortal_ is so hard to adapt, because it's already making jokes by itself. I honestly feel bad for Tara, because of one damned thing she wrote, everyone knows she sucks. Also, if anyone has a story of their's that they want me to read, I'd love to find a good fic!**

CN: Stop... Flassing?! Seriously, Tara? FLASSING?! That sounds like something you do for proper oral hygiene! Well, stop "flassing" (Oh god I hate myself...), if you do, then you're a prep! Which is a bad thing, I guess!

Everyone in the class stared at me, probably for one of these reasons: One, explained in chapter one, two, for some reason I don't go to any class, so I'm just bursting into random ones.

Then, Draco, still naked, came in, and started begging me to take him back. Nobody was staring at him, by the way, because I'm awesome

"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco pleaded, "Seriously. I have no idea what you're even bloody angry about."

A girl named B'loody Mary (Haha, Tara is so clever. Wait a second while I take some happy medicine...) Smith snickered. Time for a long-winded paragraph about her! She flipped her waste-length (She has never gone to a barber. Ever.) gothic hair, and opened her crimson eyes, because they were closed for some reason, that looked like blood, due to the contact lenses she was wearing. She had pale white skin, and she was wearing white make-up, due to her being a white supremacist. She was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are vampires, BUT ONE IS A WITCH, so only the father is a vampire. Voldemort killed the Mother because plot, and her father commited suicide soon after. She still has nightmares about it, despite it happening when she was born, because her memory kicks ass. She's very haunted and emo about it. Also her last name is Smith, not Granger. I have no idea why we thought it was Granger. She's also converted to satanisim, and is now in Slytherin, not Gryffindor.

And then the girl next to her, Hermione Granger, face-palmed. Wow, that was a pointless waste of a narration.

"What do you desire, you idiotic wankers?" Severus Snape asked. I considered asking him for a potion that would stop me from being a Mary Sue, but I then decide to ignore him.

"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I yelled.

Hermione face-palmed yet again. "Um, two things. One, I assume you mean Harry. Two, HARRY ISN'T GAY!"

I'm so angry, we're going to switch to Draco's narration for a paragraph for no reason!

I could go for a Yorkshire Pudding right now- Wait, I'm narrating now?! Wow. That's random. I don't see why Ebony thinks I'm dating that insolent Harry Potter! I hate his bloody guts! And I'm not even bisexual, let alone gay! He's a stupid preppy f cker! HE LIKES BRITNEY, you know, that person we will never mention for a million bloody chapters!

"Sorry, Ebony, you've got it all wrong. I'm not dating Draco!" Vampire laughed.

"Yeah fucking right! SCREW LOGIC, I'M A SUE!" I ran out of the room, to the Forbidden Forest, which is within walking distance for even the laziest Sues like me now. There, I lost my... Virility (So we can't say anything relating to intercourse?) to Draco, and I burst into tears.

**Well, that's chapter 8 of _My Mortal_! How did you like it?**

** I'm considering doing a _Your Life With Ron Weasley _parody called _A Sue's Life With Ron Weasley_ mixed in. I'll try to include the first one soon, but I might not you know, ever do it.**

** I've also started writing my first actually serious storyfor Fan Fiction, called _Bloodbath_. It's an SYOT, and I'd love some entries. Go to my profile, and you'll find the first chapter and a submission sheet.**

** Thank you and goodbye!**


	9. Headache 2: Voldemort's Boogaloo

CN: Stop flaming, okay? I don't... red all the box? For the sake of my faith in humanity, I'm just going to assume you meant 'read all the books', Tara. This is from the movie, okay? So it's not my fault Dumbledore swears for some reason! I SAID HE HAD A HEADACHE, which equals the man who would never say 'stupid' swearing! And the reason Snape doesn't like Harry now is because... He's Christian? Of all the characters who'd become Satanists, HE'D BE THE ONE! I hate this job...

CN (Continued because I wanted to end the wall-of-texting above): MCR Rocks! I feel the need to say that for some reason!

I was so mad and sad! (In grief, I talk like a Dr. Seuss character) I can't believe Draco would cheat on me! He's not me-enough to cheat on people with Vampire! I began to cry where I made no-no with Draco, because the best way to get over someone is to go to a place where you had sex with him!

Then, all of a sudden, a horrid man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! You know, that one he never used in the books! I was so freaked out, I couldn't make a mind-numbingly long physical description of him! He didn't have a nose, which I need to repeat again! He was like Voldemort from the movie, which I know about somehow! He was wearing a black robe, but it wasn't gothic. Last time I checked, Hot Topic doesn't sell robes. It was... You know what, guess.

"STRANGER DANGER!" I shouted in a scared voice, but then Voldemort shouted "Imperio," so I couldn't run away. For some reason, he did not use a spell that would stop me from using my Sue-bilities, so I took out my wand.

"Crooshanks!" I yelled. It's an extremely obscure spell that will never be mentioned again, before you ask. Voldemort fell off his broom (I know there is a sexual innuendo in that somewhere...) and started to scream. I felt bad for him, even though I'm a sadist. And before you ask, no, I have no idea what the word 'sadist' means. It just sounds cool.

"Damn you," Voldemort mumbled. Then, he got a suprised look on his face, "You- injured me? How is that even possible for a bloody idiot like you?"

"Have you even been READING this fan fiction?" I asked.

"No, I already literally lost my body at one point*. I've read the reviews for your story, and I don't need to experience anything worse than that." Voldemort retorted.

"Well, you should know that I can do literally everything better than everybody else. Sooooo, yeah. I could totally defeat you."

Voldemort laughed, evil-y! "If you can do anything better, and I temporarily kill off Potter in the seventh book... Then you must... Kill Harry Potter permanently!" Side note: apparently breaking the fourth wall is not a Sue-bility, and anyone can do it.

I gasped, "Not Vampire!"

"... Who?"

I thought about Vampires sexah (Spell-Check: off!) face, and eyes, and stuff. And then I thought, 'Maybe I should stop being a bloody hypocrite...' But then I realized that I'm perfect in every way anyway, so I stopped thinking, like usual.

"No, I will not kill him, Voldemort!" I shouted at him.

"You know what, here is a gun. Just, shoot him in the head. It will take literally two seconds." Voldemort handed me a gun. Because Tara refuses to write magic correctly, the story went 'screw it!' and gave me a gun.

"No, please!" I whined.

"A-aren you SERIOUSLY still arguing with me?!" He yelled, "You know what, if you don't kill Harry, I shall kill your precious Draco Malfoy!"

I gasped, yet again, "HOW DID YOU KNOW?!"

Voldemort gave me a face like I was retarded. That may or may not be the right face to give, "Two reasons. One, I'm the bloody f cking Dark Lord, and two, it's blatantly obvious!" He screamed, "Oh, and sorry about the swearing. I have a headache, of course." He then flew away on his broomstick. (Seriously. I dare you to try and find a sexual innuendo in that!)

I was so scared and mad. Then, Draco came up to me. Damn, convenient timing.

"Draco!" I said, "Hi!"

"Hi..." He said, but all sad-like. His make-up (no, not the kind made for men. The emo kind.) was all runny and looked like a pentagram for some reason. (Tehe it's because Satanisim! Tehe!) It was like a cross between two people I've never heard of!

"Are you okay?" I asked. I already know the answer. This story is way too emo for people to be happy! Happiness is a prep thing.

"No." He replied.

"I'm sorry I got all angry at you, but I thought you were cheating on me!"

"That's okay. I just assumed you forgot to take your medicine." We then went back to Hogwarts and made out.

... I'm sure glad we have no 'plot' to be getting to!

* * *

***I'm not sure if this happened.**

**Hey hey hey! How did you like that chapter? I'd appreciate any review. Also, I really recommend you keep the actual _My Immortal_ story open in another tab while you read this. A lot of the jokes are based directly on Tara's descriptions. I keep it open for writing, and I think it's much better reading both at the same time.**

** You know, she says that she has only watched the movies, and not hasn't read the books. I never read most of the books, (I read _Philosopher's Stone _when I was little.) and I barely have any memory of the movies. And I'm writing this.**


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